I have had a really rough last two weeks or so. Starting with the passing of my grandmother, the week at work was stressful enough and I climbed into this chasing an emotional plateau. I could not stabilize myself emotionally and took it out on the people closest to me (Kevin took the brunt of it bless him) and unfortunately my Facebook wall took a beating. Sorry guys.....
All that I wanted was what my grandmother was a constant supplier of- affection. Emotionally saturated love. Things have been good with Kevin and I. But I pushed him- asking for more and more and more. And that was something that he just could not give. I picked fights when there was none to be had just so that he would have to console me. I could feel him wearing thin, but he did not waiver. Yet he was not fulfilling my irrational need for him to fill that void that was unfulfillable. I could not understand why they did not understand why everything was wrong. Everything anyone said, did, or tried to do- wasn't right. I was constantly angry, or sad. I have been a mess.
The funeral was amazing. It was shockingly hard for me to get through. My mother was my rock. She was comforting me at a time when she was facing the second hardest loss that she has ever gone through. She held me as I sobbed and my brother reached around my dad and held my arm as I clutched onto her for stability. That is just how our family is.
We are so large that we all could not fit on the front row, and we started to move chairs because we all just wanted to be together- as I sat behind my whole family with my parents and my brother I looked at how they all supported each other. One making the other smile, or my youngest cousin taking her brother's head in her hands and placing it on her shoulder as he began to silently sob. As one of my cousins began to struggle to breathe in between her sobs I pulled my chair closer to the back of hers and tightly wrapped my arms around her shaking body from behind and whispered into the back of her hair, "Breathe, just breathe. Breathe." until she calmed down. I know how it feels to not be able to breathe. To not be in control of your own body and not know why nor be able to stop it. I also know that there was someone there the first time that happened to me to hold me tight and help me breathe. Our family amazes me daily.
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