I have had a really rough last two weeks or so. Starting with the passing of my grandmother, the week at work was stressful enough and I climbed into this chasing an emotional plateau. I could not stabilize myself emotionally and took it out on the people closest to me (Kevin took the brunt of it bless him) and unfortunately my Facebook wall took a beating. Sorry guys.....
All that I wanted was what my grandmother was a constant supplier of- affection. Emotionally saturated love. Things have been good with Kevin and I. But I pushed him- asking for more and more and more. And that was something that he just could not give. I picked fights when there was none to be had just so that he would have to console me. I could feel him wearing thin, but he did not waiver. Yet he was not fulfilling my irrational need for him to fill that void that was unfulfillable. I could not understand why they did not understand why everything was wrong. Everything anyone said, did, or tried to do- wasn't right. I was constantly angry, or sad. I have been a mess.
The funeral was amazing. It was shockingly hard for me to get through. My mother was my rock. She was comforting me at a time when she was facing the second hardest loss that she has ever gone through. She held me as I sobbed and my brother reached around my dad and held my arm as I clutched onto her for stability. That is just how our family is.
We are so large that we all could not fit on the front row, and we started to move chairs because we all just wanted to be together- as I sat behind my whole family with my parents and my brother I looked at how they all supported each other. One making the other smile, or my youngest cousin taking her brother's head in her hands and placing it on her shoulder as he began to silently sob. As one of my cousins began to struggle to breathe in between her sobs I pulled my chair closer to the back of hers and tightly wrapped my arms around her shaking body from behind and whispered into the back of her hair, "Breathe, just breathe. Breathe." until she calmed down. I know how it feels to not be able to breathe. To not be in control of your own body and not know why nor be able to stop it. I also know that there was someone there the first time that happened to me to hold me tight and help me breathe. Our family amazes me daily.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
A picture is worth.....what? Venting!
I need to vent, and I need to vent fast.
Photos are my thing. I love pictures and the value that they hold. People take photos of happy times, to remember the smell, the light, the joy of a memory. People take photos of not so happy times. To remember a fleeting moment, gone too soon, never to be had again but wanting to be stricken in the books as having happened.
I have said before, and I will say until I die- I can not stomach when people say things like "Oh delete that one..." or "Oh that looks horrible!" or the evil, disgusting phrase that I have grown to despise, "No, no, don't take a picture of me."
Guess what?!?! There will be a day that no more pictures will be taken of you, and it is because you will be GONE. Then what? What are your loved one's supposed to remember you by? Your....clothes hanging in your closet? Your... art hanging on the walls? What?! If I didn't have photos of my Grandy- how would I remember that he resembles Elvis when he is not smiling, and that when he was smiling, it could stop anyone in their tracks. How would I remember the smell of the shop on his 'uniform' white shirt that he is wearing in so many of the photos that I have. I can almost hear his laugh when I see a photo of him in his happiest place, with us grandchildren. How would I be able to hold on to all of that love and all of that if I had nothing to look at, nothing to listen to, nothing to have and to hold? If I did not have photos and video of my Aunt Cheri, how would I remember that she was the most sassy and classy dressed woman that you would ever meet? That she always had her makeup done perfectly, and that she loved huge gold jewelery. How would I remember the sound of her singing loud to anything Mariah Carey in the middle of the living room if there was not evidence that it happened?
Yes, memories are good and fine- if you have a good one but if you are like me and do not then pictures will help me one day tell a story that I can not so easily remember. What if I want to tell my children about a grandfather that they will never get to meet? About my father's father and how he taught me to live off of the land. I can show them, there are hundreds of photos of him with us in the garden, or naked running around in the sprinkler on a hot day. I can see in a photo, his watchful eye, and almost hear his country accent saying my name in a firm tone as to say, "Amber, stop that." I can smell the Irish Spring soap on his skin when I am posing beside him in a family photo. All because I can see him. I can see his face. I can see his balding head, I can see his bowed legs. I can see him.
Maybe not every picture of my aunt, or my grandparents is perfect. Maybe their eyes are slightly closed, or their meds made them look 'puffy', maybe their hair was messed up, or maybe they had NONE. I certainly do not care a stitch if I look horrible, if there is a picture of me alive and well- I am good. At least my loved ones will have something to remember me by since none of us are guaranteed a second chance and tomorrow is not promised either.
Photos are my thing. I love pictures and the value that they hold. People take photos of happy times, to remember the smell, the light, the joy of a memory. People take photos of not so happy times. To remember a fleeting moment, gone too soon, never to be had again but wanting to be stricken in the books as having happened.
I have said before, and I will say until I die- I can not stomach when people say things like "Oh delete that one..." or "Oh that looks horrible!" or the evil, disgusting phrase that I have grown to despise, "No, no, don't take a picture of me."
Guess what?!?! There will be a day that no more pictures will be taken of you, and it is because you will be GONE. Then what? What are your loved one's supposed to remember you by? Your....clothes hanging in your closet? Your... art hanging on the walls? What?! If I didn't have photos of my Grandy- how would I remember that he resembles Elvis when he is not smiling, and that when he was smiling, it could stop anyone in their tracks. How would I remember the smell of the shop on his 'uniform' white shirt that he is wearing in so many of the photos that I have. I can almost hear his laugh when I see a photo of him in his happiest place, with us grandchildren. How would I be able to hold on to all of that love and all of that if I had nothing to look at, nothing to listen to, nothing to have and to hold? If I did not have photos and video of my Aunt Cheri, how would I remember that she was the most sassy and classy dressed woman that you would ever meet? That she always had her makeup done perfectly, and that she loved huge gold jewelery. How would I remember the sound of her singing loud to anything Mariah Carey in the middle of the living room if there was not evidence that it happened?
Yes, memories are good and fine- if you have a good one but if you are like me and do not then pictures will help me one day tell a story that I can not so easily remember. What if I want to tell my children about a grandfather that they will never get to meet? About my father's father and how he taught me to live off of the land. I can show them, there are hundreds of photos of him with us in the garden, or naked running around in the sprinkler on a hot day. I can see in a photo, his watchful eye, and almost hear his country accent saying my name in a firm tone as to say, "Amber, stop that." I can smell the Irish Spring soap on his skin when I am posing beside him in a family photo. All because I can see him. I can see his face. I can see his balding head, I can see his bowed legs. I can see him.
Maybe not every picture of my aunt, or my grandparents is perfect. Maybe their eyes are slightly closed, or their meds made them look 'puffy', maybe their hair was messed up, or maybe they had NONE. I certainly do not care a stitch if I look horrible, if there is a picture of me alive and well- I am good. At least my loved ones will have something to remember me by since none of us are guaranteed a second chance and tomorrow is not promised either.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
I. Hate. Cancer
The cancer finally claimed my grandmother. She has fought this demon for 14 years. The year after she was diagnosed her daughter died of breast cancer after 6 months. But she fought on for her family. We have seen her bald, we have seen her sick, we have seen her healed. Cancer lived in her, yet we were given 14 more amazing years full of memories, forgiveness, and a whole ton of love. Enough of that talk, that ugly disease deserves none of my words.
The last time I saw my grandmother was last Tuesday night. She was admitted in the hospital that Monday morning and stayed overnight for testing. The found that she had tumors and that there were options, they sent her home with the full intention that she would return the next week for Chemo....to fight- again. She came home to her house that Tuesday night, where I was staying with Tiffany so I was there and we sat on the couch and talked. We had grown apart several years prior to this one so it was the greatest gift that I have been given in a long time, to have those several hours with her- just like we used to be. We held hands and she 'hugged' my arm as we sat side by side on her couch in the living room where so many of my fondest memories were made. She rested her head on my shoulder and she kissed the back of my hand and we just talked.I am so blessed that point in time will be my last memory of her. Just how we were.
The rest of the week went by and on Saturday (one week ago) she was not feeling well again and was admitted to the hospital Sunday morning. She would be rushed into emergency surgery to remove a large portion of her cancer stricken organs and she was on her way to recovery by Wed/ Thursday and was even moved out of ICU by Friday night. She was going to beat this, again.
Saturday morning I awoke to my second massive migraine in as many days, but I took some meds and started cleaning. There were things to be done. There were children to be shuttled here there and to Homecoming festivities everywhere. Since her admittance into the hospital this last time, we have all taken shifts staying with Tiffany and making sure she gets where she needs to be in an as normal schedule as possible.
My phone rang, it was my dad. He told me to get dressed. He was coming to get me. I asked Why. He said, get dressed.
I knew.
There was no way that my father would have called me if something terrible hadn't happened. And it had. I called everyone I could think of to try to hear the words that I needed to hear. I needed someone to tell me. I called my 16 yr old cousin to see if her mother, my aunt was home- I could tell that they (the kids) did not know yet....so I played it off and kept calling others. I needed someone to tell me the truth. I was not one of the kids, I am no longer needing to be protected. I needed to know. I finally called my mother, thinking back now I am not sure why I didn't call her first. She told me. She told me the words that I needed to hear. The words that I already knew in my heart. I yelled, "What?! WHY?!" But I knew why. Her body was tired, her heart was weak and she was ready to go Home.
My dad picked me up and drove my numbly to the hospital. I asked him when, he didn't know. I asked him if she was still in a room, he didn't know. My meds had made me loopy and I was nodding in and out. As soon as we arrived, I all but RAN to the elevators and went up, my brother was waiting for me there. He lead us to the room. I went right in, there was no hesitation. This was not my first time seeing....that. It was not her. She was not there. I sat with my mother and held my grandmother's hand. We stroked her hair and told her things. But she was not there. I know no one person who loves her Lord more than my grandmother does. I told my mother that I imagined her; loud as ever, HAPPY as ever, and healthy as ever- running into the arms of Jesus when He called her Home. That's who she was, that is who He made her to be. She was larger than life. No doubt she ran up to Him, yelling "Here I am!!" and rejoicing, HAPPY, laughing, singing, just like she was with us, but a million times moreover.
She was never afraid to die, she was ready and she told us that all the time. She would miss us- no doubt. But she was ready to be with her Father in Heaven. And all of the ones who were waiting for her there. Her parents, the love of her life- my Grandy, her daughter Cheri, Kenny, her best friend Jane......
She was an amazing woman and will be greatly missed. She taught us about faith, love, and laughter. She was the tree trunk that brought our family to life and held us together. She taught us how to love and how to prosper as a family unit so that one day- this day...We could go on after she was gone from our arms.
The last time I saw my grandmother was last Tuesday night. She was admitted in the hospital that Monday morning and stayed overnight for testing. The found that she had tumors and that there were options, they sent her home with the full intention that she would return the next week for Chemo....to fight- again. She came home to her house that Tuesday night, where I was staying with Tiffany so I was there and we sat on the couch and talked. We had grown apart several years prior to this one so it was the greatest gift that I have been given in a long time, to have those several hours with her- just like we used to be. We held hands and she 'hugged' my arm as we sat side by side on her couch in the living room where so many of my fondest memories were made. She rested her head on my shoulder and she kissed the back of my hand and we just talked.I am so blessed that point in time will be my last memory of her. Just how we were.
The rest of the week went by and on Saturday (one week ago) she was not feeling well again and was admitted to the hospital Sunday morning. She would be rushed into emergency surgery to remove a large portion of her cancer stricken organs and she was on her way to recovery by Wed/ Thursday and was even moved out of ICU by Friday night. She was going to beat this, again.
Saturday morning I awoke to my second massive migraine in as many days, but I took some meds and started cleaning. There were things to be done. There were children to be shuttled here there and to Homecoming festivities everywhere. Since her admittance into the hospital this last time, we have all taken shifts staying with Tiffany and making sure she gets where she needs to be in an as normal schedule as possible.
My phone rang, it was my dad. He told me to get dressed. He was coming to get me. I asked Why. He said, get dressed.
I knew.
There was no way that my father would have called me if something terrible hadn't happened. And it had. I called everyone I could think of to try to hear the words that I needed to hear. I needed someone to tell me. I called my 16 yr old cousin to see if her mother, my aunt was home- I could tell that they (the kids) did not know yet....so I played it off and kept calling others. I needed someone to tell me the truth. I was not one of the kids, I am no longer needing to be protected. I needed to know. I finally called my mother, thinking back now I am not sure why I didn't call her first. She told me. She told me the words that I needed to hear. The words that I already knew in my heart. I yelled, "What?! WHY?!" But I knew why. Her body was tired, her heart was weak and she was ready to go Home.
My dad picked me up and drove my numbly to the hospital. I asked him when, he didn't know. I asked him if she was still in a room, he didn't know. My meds had made me loopy and I was nodding in and out. As soon as we arrived, I all but RAN to the elevators and went up, my brother was waiting for me there. He lead us to the room. I went right in, there was no hesitation. This was not my first time seeing....that. It was not her. She was not there. I sat with my mother and held my grandmother's hand. We stroked her hair and told her things. But she was not there. I know no one person who loves her Lord more than my grandmother does. I told my mother that I imagined her; loud as ever, HAPPY as ever, and healthy as ever- running into the arms of Jesus when He called her Home. That's who she was, that is who He made her to be. She was larger than life. No doubt she ran up to Him, yelling "Here I am!!" and rejoicing, HAPPY, laughing, singing, just like she was with us, but a million times moreover.
She was never afraid to die, she was ready and she told us that all the time. She would miss us- no doubt. But she was ready to be with her Father in Heaven. And all of the ones who were waiting for her there. Her parents, the love of her life- my Grandy, her daughter Cheri, Kenny, her best friend Jane......
She was an amazing woman and will be greatly missed. She taught us about faith, love, and laughter. She was the tree trunk that brought our family to life and held us together. She taught us how to love and how to prosper as a family unit so that one day- this day...We could go on after she was gone from our arms.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Holly mother Fing Dodson.....Nichols
I recently had the pleasure of shooting the wedding of one of the most important people in my life. Holly Dodson. People ask how I knew her, who she is to me- etc... She was an ex's cousin and the first time I met her she rode her bike over to our apartment to burn a CD. Yea, old school. She was in High School and we were older so I judged and thought she looked hood with her stomach hanging out and her bleach blonde hair and holey jeans. She was one of those 'cool kids' who I never meshed much with in my High School days. We saw eachother at family functions and dinners and the next Christmas we got her maternity clothes and she was so mad. When we heard that she was pregnant- I thought nothing of it and I really don't know how or why we got closer and closer but on May 18th I took a "sick day" at work and stayed the whole day with her in the hospital when the love of my life, my Goddaughter Haylee was born. I stayed in the room from the minute after she came back in from her C section until late that night. I was present during nurse visits and checks. She wanted me there and I felt an immediate bond with her that we did not have before that day. When they brought Haylee into her room, she was still shaking so much from her epidural that she asked me to change her first diaper. I did that. I changed Haylee Faith Dodson's first diaper. And it was the first of MANY Haylee diapers that I would change. We had a bond the three of us, and so it was.
The reasons are neither here nor there but it was what it was and Haylee spent a great deal of her first three years with me. I taught her how to spell her name, her manners and when her birthday was and I watched her learn and grow. My family looked at her no different than our own. She was my biggest joy and I never once looked at my extended periods of time with her as anything more than my greatest blessing. She came at a time when I was grieving the loss of someone that left the exact shape hole that she fit into perfectly. She was my baby. I know at times I felt like I had more claim to her than I should have but she never was a burden- not for a single second. She was my responsibility. God gave her to me to love, to teach, to have and to hold- until the time came when her stars aligned once again and she would return to a routine with the ones who let me borrow her for a while.
I have seen Holly transform over the past three years in a way that I can not easily explain. I have seen and heard things that will never be spoken of again that makes Holly's current life a true miracle. I have never been more sure of God's promise of forgiveness and healing and renewal than when I look at Holly and Haylee. Brandon came into thier lives and I do not know nor need to know the details of how but he changed everything. He is the most amazing man and I am so very overjoyed that he chose to love these two amazing ladies. He loves Haylee as his own and he is so patient and kind. During my engagement session with Holly and Brandon I could tell immediately how much he loved her. He was crazy about her, could not keep his hands off of her and whatever made her happy- he would do without hesitation. He was chatting with me about the wedding details more than Holly was and you could tell that he was just beyond excited!
During the post ceremony shots Brandon was so patient and said, "Whatever my baby wants" when posed for another hundred photos. When I posed Holly with Haylee for Mother/ Daughter shots he said, "There are my girls!" It was the sweetest! Before the wedding us ladies were polling eachother on wether or not Brandon would cry or not. We ALL said yes, he would. He is the sentimental and emotionally intuned man who is the perfect match for the emotionally in need person that Holly's past has made her. She is more happy than I have seen her since I have ever known her and I love Brandon for it. His family is so kind and loving and loves Holly and Haylee with all of their hearts.
I love you with all of my heart Holly Dodson Nichols and I will continue to be there for you for always and forever. And of course- Haylee Faith, all my love, all my life....I love you to the moon and back.
The reasons are neither here nor there but it was what it was and Haylee spent a great deal of her first three years with me. I taught her how to spell her name, her manners and when her birthday was and I watched her learn and grow. My family looked at her no different than our own. She was my biggest joy and I never once looked at my extended periods of time with her as anything more than my greatest blessing. She came at a time when I was grieving the loss of someone that left the exact shape hole that she fit into perfectly. She was my baby. I know at times I felt like I had more claim to her than I should have but she never was a burden- not for a single second. She was my responsibility. God gave her to me to love, to teach, to have and to hold- until the time came when her stars aligned once again and she would return to a routine with the ones who let me borrow her for a while.
I have seen Holly transform over the past three years in a way that I can not easily explain. I have seen and heard things that will never be spoken of again that makes Holly's current life a true miracle. I have never been more sure of God's promise of forgiveness and healing and renewal than when I look at Holly and Haylee. Brandon came into thier lives and I do not know nor need to know the details of how but he changed everything. He is the most amazing man and I am so very overjoyed that he chose to love these two amazing ladies. He loves Haylee as his own and he is so patient and kind. During my engagement session with Holly and Brandon I could tell immediately how much he loved her. He was crazy about her, could not keep his hands off of her and whatever made her happy- he would do without hesitation. He was chatting with me about the wedding details more than Holly was and you could tell that he was just beyond excited!
During the post ceremony shots Brandon was so patient and said, "Whatever my baby wants" when posed for another hundred photos. When I posed Holly with Haylee for Mother/ Daughter shots he said, "There are my girls!" It was the sweetest! Before the wedding us ladies were polling eachother on wether or not Brandon would cry or not. We ALL said yes, he would. He is the sentimental and emotionally intuned man who is the perfect match for the emotionally in need person that Holly's past has made her. She is more happy than I have seen her since I have ever known her and I love Brandon for it. His family is so kind and loving and loves Holly and Haylee with all of their hearts.
With each photo I pull up and put on the big screen I look over ever detail and I remember ever minute of that night. I remember Donna crying as Alan danced with his middle daughter on the dance floor then closed his weapy eyes, gently kissed her hand as he gave her to her husband. They bring me such joy to see the sheer happiness on her face and I can almost hear Haylee squealing as Brandon twirled her around on the dance floor. I can barely drive home fast enough to get my hands on these photos. I do nothing much else the last week or so. Work 8-5 at the office and come home and edit until 10/11pm... Many more jewels to come! Many more years of love and happiness to come for the great couple as well. <3
I love you with all of my heart Holly Dodson Nichols and I will continue to be there for you for always and forever. And of course- Haylee Faith, all my love, all my life....I love you to the moon and back.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Office working is hard.
I have come across the realization today while taking one of 1000 pee breaks (I have issues of all shapes and sizes) that people are inhumane, indecent, and just plain.....rude. But that does not stop the rest of us- decent people from having to constantly pick up their slack.
Cleaning up a mess in the restroom after you make it is not hard- time consuming maybe but so will it be for the person that cleans it up when YOU fail to do so. Being on time is not hard- thousands of millions of people do it on the daily and yet we have to cover for you without a second though to your snooze #1, #2 and #3. Saying 'Hello' or 'Thank you' to someone who is checking out your items at a store or GOD FORBID when someone holds the door/ elevator for you is not hard- it should however be on the list of "Basic Manners' that your parents taught you when you were young.
Which brings me to my next point-
Is the current state of our society today having an effect on the way that the human population as it is today? I am guessing that is an asinine question and you (the decent ones) are yelling at your screen- "Of course it is you ninny!" Absent parents and broken homes leave children to be 'taught' by the TV and internet. With the TV shows on during primetime hours now and days and the unlimited about of filth on the internet readily available anytime day or night- how are these kids supposed to learn how to become decent respectable adults? But how do we stop it? Since clearly SHOWING others by executing our perfect manners and people pleasing ways (taught by the parents that were present in our homes, the religious leaders that we had to guide us through childhood, or the guardians we were blessed with by chance) is not enough to exemplify the ways of the decent human to others, what can be done to teach the unruly the fault of their ways? Is that 'not our place to do so'? Is it 'none of our business'? I have been told all of the above- that I have no control over anyone but myself which I agree with to an extent, however if one person does not show another who has no one else to show them then how will they ever learn it? If 100 people say (about one out of control "friend") that is it not their place to advise her of her rude and inappropriate behaviors- then who is going to? And if NO one does, than how will they correct said behaviors and if the indecent persons do not correct the behaviors that effect the decent people in the most direct ways daily- then the cycle will never end!
Mind blown.
I know what Iplan hope to teach my children and that will be the same values and decency that was taught to me by my parents. Be courteous, be polite, be soft and kind, be humble, be compassionate, be organized and responsible, be loyal, be loving, be strong. Sure I hated them and rebelled against them and their damned 'ways'.... but I am sure as HELL grateful today that I treat other people with respect. That I am a decent person and that I can do for myself what I could easily ask others to do for me. I see it all around me every day and it makes me SICK then just makes me sad. Because those people didn't have someone to teach them, and they will undoubtedly pass their habits/ ways along to their children and it will continue to be a never ending cycle in the war of decency and humanity.
Cleaning up a mess in the restroom after you make it is not hard- time consuming maybe but so will it be for the person that cleans it up when YOU fail to do so. Being on time is not hard- thousands of millions of people do it on the daily and yet we have to cover for you without a second though to your snooze #1, #2 and #3. Saying 'Hello' or 'Thank you' to someone who is checking out your items at a store or GOD FORBID when someone holds the door/ elevator for you is not hard- it should however be on the list of "Basic Manners' that your parents taught you when you were young.
Which brings me to my next point-
Is the current state of our society today having an effect on the way that the human population as it is today? I am guessing that is an asinine question and you (the decent ones) are yelling at your screen- "Of course it is you ninny!" Absent parents and broken homes leave children to be 'taught' by the TV and internet. With the TV shows on during primetime hours now and days and the unlimited about of filth on the internet readily available anytime day or night- how are these kids supposed to learn how to become decent respectable adults? But how do we stop it? Since clearly SHOWING others by executing our perfect manners and people pleasing ways (taught by the parents that were present in our homes, the religious leaders that we had to guide us through childhood, or the guardians we were blessed with by chance) is not enough to exemplify the ways of the decent human to others, what can be done to teach the unruly the fault of their ways? Is that 'not our place to do so'? Is it 'none of our business'? I have been told all of the above- that I have no control over anyone but myself which I agree with to an extent, however if one person does not show another who has no one else to show them then how will they ever learn it? If 100 people say (about one out of control "friend") that is it not their place to advise her of her rude and inappropriate behaviors- then who is going to? And if NO one does, than how will they correct said behaviors and if the indecent persons do not correct the behaviors that effect the decent people in the most direct ways daily- then the cycle will never end!
Mind blown.
I know what I
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Savanna J Hartman
Yesterday we spent time with family to celebrate the 'going away' to college for my 18 yr old cousin Savanna.
Ever since the day she was born, I was 11, she was my baby. I was a baby hog, I always wanted her. I wanted to hold her and watch her and boss her and take care of her. She was my baby. Then she grew up and became one of my very best friends. The 11 year age difference mine as well have been 11 days. We are thick as thieves. We spend hours together driving, talking, laughing- always laughing....we have so many little inside jokes and memories, I will miss her very much.
She has grown into a positively stunning young woman and she will undoubtedly excel in all that she does at ODU. She has this light about her that you can not help but be drawn to- she is a shining star. I know that it will be rough for her to leave home, her parents and her family as we are all very close always together if not daily then second to that as much as possible. I shared this quote with her and I think that it suits this situation for her and our family.. perfectly.
"A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart."
How our family is, has created a huge desire in my life to have a big family of my own. Growing up always having someone there to cheer you on, and help you out and just be with -molded me in to having a huge heart for my family and that is something that I pray I can give to my children.
While we will miss Savanna greatly, she will never be far from us- because she is always in our hearts.
Ever since the day she was born, I was 11, she was my baby. I was a baby hog, I always wanted her. I wanted to hold her and watch her and boss her and take care of her. She was my baby. Then she grew up and became one of my very best friends. The 11 year age difference mine as well have been 11 days. We are thick as thieves. We spend hours together driving, talking, laughing- always laughing....we have so many little inside jokes and memories, I will miss her very much.
She has grown into a positively stunning young woman and she will undoubtedly excel in all that she does at ODU. She has this light about her that you can not help but be drawn to- she is a shining star. I know that it will be rough for her to leave home, her parents and her family as we are all very close always together if not daily then second to that as much as possible. I shared this quote with her and I think that it suits this situation for her and our family.. perfectly.
"A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart."
How our family is, has created a huge desire in my life to have a big family of my own. Growing up always having someone there to cheer you on, and help you out and just be with -molded me in to having a huge heart for my family and that is something that I pray I can give to my children.
While we will miss Savanna greatly, she will never be far from us- because she is always in our hearts.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Ready to begin again...
For all things there is a season...
It is my season to shine.
It has been so long since I have written and after many of my supporters through the last few weeks have asked why I don't try writing out my feelings and thoughts- I thought I'd give it a try.
I find myself, alone. Free, but happy. Busy, but scatterbrained. Worn thin, but growing hard. I never thought that I would be in this place. After the last 4 years of horrible days and worse nights- I am finally free and taking full advantage. I have finally said the words out loud... "I have been holding on for far too long. I have been holding on for something that I have fought for, and pushed for, and given everything for- and I have nothing left. Less than nothing. And I need to accept that it is time to let go." Now comes the hard part- actually doing it.
I have thrown myself into my art, and have loved surrounding myself with the absolutely wonderful people that I have met. It hardly seems like "work" when you get to spend a few hours with a bubbly little person and their parents and just capture every laugh, every wrinkle of their nose, every raise of their eyebrow. To get to save forever the look on a fathers face while looking down at their child or wife is healing for my own soul. They are saving me. To hear the feedback and to see the tears when seeing my art with them as my subject- is worth a million bucks and I will never take that for granted. I sit at my chair and listen to music and edit the photos that will bring my 'clients' (or friends as they always become) such joy and I can remember the smell of the fresh cut grass or hear the train in the background- I can always remember the exact moment a single photo is shot. I announced about two months ago that I was taking a year off to take classes and to restock my equipment for the upcoming year's photo sessions. I will tell you one thing- I have never been so busy as I have in these last two months with photo sessions, and I LOVE IT! However, at the wedding that I shot over the weekend I think that my camera was dropped and has since been not working properly. I truly believe with all of my heart that this is the Lord telling me to slow down. My day job is about to pickup and I am currently 3 photo sessions behind in my editing. I had to put my computer in the shop as it had contracted a virus and editing was simply not functioning and the day to day stress factors were raining down on me. When I realized that my camera was broken I had not one moment's pause from knowing that this was my CLEAR sign to slow down. Now I have no choice. I am going to catch up on my editing which could take months as I have put family photos behind client photos... and when that is done- I am going to focus on fixing up my house/ and yard.
Cleaning and restoring things makes me happy. I truly think that in my wound up mind- being able to control how clean and how nice I make something is calming for me. When I live in a world and life that I can not control, I can always control how clean my house is. I have gone through many things and done many things that make me the way that I am today and no one will ever know or understand them. As long as I remember I have depended on relationships to become my main focus so that I do not have to focus on myself and I am changing that and seeking outside help to work on myself for once. I have to heal my wounds before I can find the person that matches my edges. I have embarked on a hard and gargantuan challenge that I have ever taken on. The hurdles will be demanding and intense but for me to be able to move forward and have a pleasing future- I need to work on someone and something that I have neglected in the biggest and baddest way for the past 6+ years and that is ME. I can not fix anyone else. I can not teach everyone that I feel needs it- life lessons. I can not make something what it is not. The one thing that I can do..... is love me. Save me. Fix me. Teach me. And I am ready to do that. I am ready to begin again.
It is my season to shine.
It has been so long since I have written and after many of my supporters through the last few weeks have asked why I don't try writing out my feelings and thoughts- I thought I'd give it a try.
I find myself, alone. Free, but happy. Busy, but scatterbrained. Worn thin, but growing hard. I never thought that I would be in this place. After the last 4 years of horrible days and worse nights- I am finally free and taking full advantage. I have finally said the words out loud... "I have been holding on for far too long. I have been holding on for something that I have fought for, and pushed for, and given everything for- and I have nothing left. Less than nothing. And I need to accept that it is time to let go." Now comes the hard part- actually doing it.
I have thrown myself into my art, and have loved surrounding myself with the absolutely wonderful people that I have met. It hardly seems like "work" when you get to spend a few hours with a bubbly little person and their parents and just capture every laugh, every wrinkle of their nose, every raise of their eyebrow. To get to save forever the look on a fathers face while looking down at their child or wife is healing for my own soul. They are saving me. To hear the feedback and to see the tears when seeing my art with them as my subject- is worth a million bucks and I will never take that for granted. I sit at my chair and listen to music and edit the photos that will bring my 'clients' (or friends as they always become) such joy and I can remember the smell of the fresh cut grass or hear the train in the background- I can always remember the exact moment a single photo is shot. I announced about two months ago that I was taking a year off to take classes and to restock my equipment for the upcoming year's photo sessions. I will tell you one thing- I have never been so busy as I have in these last two months with photo sessions, and I LOVE IT! However, at the wedding that I shot over the weekend I think that my camera was dropped and has since been not working properly. I truly believe with all of my heart that this is the Lord telling me to slow down. My day job is about to pickup and I am currently 3 photo sessions behind in my editing. I had to put my computer in the shop as it had contracted a virus and editing was simply not functioning and the day to day stress factors were raining down on me. When I realized that my camera was broken I had not one moment's pause from knowing that this was my CLEAR sign to slow down. Now I have no choice. I am going to catch up on my editing which could take months as I have put family photos behind client photos... and when that is done- I am going to focus on fixing up my house/ and yard.
Cleaning and restoring things makes me happy. I truly think that in my wound up mind- being able to control how clean and how nice I make something is calming for me. When I live in a world and life that I can not control, I can always control how clean my house is. I have gone through many things and done many things that make me the way that I am today and no one will ever know or understand them. As long as I remember I have depended on relationships to become my main focus so that I do not have to focus on myself and I am changing that and seeking outside help to work on myself for once. I have to heal my wounds before I can find the person that matches my edges. I have embarked on a hard and gargantuan challenge that I have ever taken on. The hurdles will be demanding and intense but for me to be able to move forward and have a pleasing future- I need to work on someone and something that I have neglected in the biggest and baddest way for the past 6+ years and that is ME. I can not fix anyone else. I can not teach everyone that I feel needs it- life lessons. I can not make something what it is not. The one thing that I can do..... is love me. Save me. Fix me. Teach me. And I am ready to do that. I am ready to begin again.
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