Ready to begin again...

For all things there is a season...

It is my season to shine. 

It has been so long since I have written and after many of my supporters through the last few weeks have asked why I don't try writing out my feelings and thoughts- I thought I'd give it a try. 
I find myself, alone. Free, but happy. Busy, but scatterbrained. Worn thin, but growing hard. I never thought that I would be in this place. After the last 4 years of horrible days and worse nights- I am finally free and taking full advantage. I have finally said the words out loud... "I have been holding on for far too long. I have been holding on for something that I have fought for, and pushed for, and given everything for- and I have nothing left. Less than nothing. And I need to accept that it is time to let go." Now comes the hard part- actually doing it. 

I have thrown myself into my art, and have loved surrounding myself with the absolutely wonderful people that I have met. It hardly seems like "work" when you get to spend a few hours with a bubbly little person and their parents and just capture every laugh, every wrinkle of their nose, every raise of their eyebrow. To get to save forever the look on a fathers face while looking down at their child or wife is healing for my own soul. They are saving me. To hear the feedback and to see the tears when seeing my art with them as my subject- is worth a million bucks and I will never take that for granted. I sit at my chair and listen to music and edit the photos that will bring my 'clients' (or friends as they always become) such joy and I can remember the smell of the fresh cut grass or hear the train in the background- I can always remember the exact moment a single photo is shot. I announced about two months ago that I was taking a year off to take classes and to restock my equipment for the upcoming year's photo sessions. I will tell you one thing- I have never been so busy as I have in these last two months with photo sessions, and I LOVE IT! However, at the wedding that I shot over the weekend I think that my camera was dropped and has since been not working properly. I truly believe with all of my heart that this is the Lord telling me to slow down. My day job is about to pickup and I am currently 3 photo sessions behind in my editing. I had to put my computer in the shop as it had contracted a virus and editing was simply not functioning and the day to day stress factors were raining down on me. When I realized that my camera was broken I had not one moment's pause from knowing that this was my CLEAR sign to slow down. Now I have no choice. I am going to catch up on my editing which could take months as I have put family photos behind client photos... and when that is done- I am going to focus on fixing up my house/ and yard. 

Cleaning and restoring things makes me happy. I truly think that in my wound up mind- being able to control how clean and how nice I make something is calming for me. When I live in a world and life that I can not control, I can always control how clean my house is. I have gone through many things and done many things that make me the way that I am today and no one will ever know or understand them. As long as I remember I have depended on relationships to become my main focus so that I do not have to focus on myself and I am changing that and seeking outside help to work on myself for once. I have to heal my wounds before I can find the person that matches my edges. I have embarked on a hard and gargantuan challenge that I have ever taken on. The hurdles will be demanding and intense but for me to be able to move forward and have a pleasing future- I need to work on someone and something that I have neglected in the biggest and baddest way for the past 6+ years and that is ME. I can not fix anyone else. I can not teach everyone that I feel needs it- life lessons. I can not make something what it is not. The one thing that I can do..... is love me. Save me. Fix me. Teach me. And I am ready to do that. I am ready to begin again.