Letter for the day is "F"

It is still so hard to say the words- “My dad has cancer”

 

It has been two days since we found out.  May 20^th. That stupid date will be forever etched into my mind. I took the day off originally to do things around my house and I am so grateful because it let my mom come and tell me and be with me for a long period after- so that I was not alone. Thank GOD for blessings in disguise. If he hadn’t suffered through the whole kidney stone ordeal- they might not had found this until his next scan in 5+ years and we could have been fighting a whole different battle than we are lucky to be fighting now.

Out of 21 biopsies, only 3 were 10% positive for prostate cancer.  They caught it very early and we have lots of options.

It makes me think of the first time I remember death being present in my family. My mom’s side of the family was very young and large, and my dad’s side was all older and so my first recollection of death was a very old member of my dad’s family. I remember the funeral, everyone was sad- and that is it. Then all of the great grandparents were gone and my paternal grandfather got sick (originating with prostate cancer) and fought long hard years with his cancers until he passed after a brutal struggle. My mother’s sister who passed from breast cancer at the age of 32 was the first time that I was slammed with the realization that death comes at any age- any time- and without mercy. My maternal grandmother passing from her 10+ year struggle with cancer was more recent and fresh.  It is hard to put my FATHER into that category. He is not SICK. He is not OLD. It is very hard for me to think of him as having this disease that will change all of our lives forever.

When I tell people who I need support from, saying “My dad has cancer” seems so foreign and almost vulgar to me. It makes me sick to my stomach. But I know that just like everything else that my father does- this will be handled on his terms, his way, no highway option. He is strong in that way. He will not let this slow him down. He will take the most wham bam thank you ma’am approach that will get him back to his daily routine the quickest.

And just like in every other thing that happened to shape and mold our family into the living breathing being that we are today- we will get through this the only way that we know how. Together.

Confucius Say

It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get.
Confucius

Dog eat dog world...

I have been in a relationship for 5 years that has sucked me dry. It has left me a SHELL of my former self and I think I may be starting to see the effect it has taken on the life around me. I have lost friends, gained nothing but weight and distance from family members- declined financially, emotionally, and caused me to stray from my beliefs and values as a person.
I think my personality thrives on fixating on something and devoting my attention to it. He has been my addiction, my drug. Not because he was just so wonderful and left me feeling this euphoric high that I couldn't stop chasing but because he was something for me to focus on, to fixate on. From my years of attention to my mental deficiencies and emotional issues, my anxiety and my need to control things has lead to my overcompensation in fixation. I know that I have addictive habits. I know that he is my addiction.
I need something new. And I know.....as insane as it sounds- but just as rehab centers switch drugs for something to ease the withdrawls immediately- a puppy would be that for me.
I have taken care of Kevin- picked him up from the side of the road- cleaned him up when he was sick and picked up after his messes. I have made certain that his life is in order and that he has everything that he needs at every turn. I jump when he stirs and give in to his every desire for need to please him and keep him safe and happy. I do not think (and I know myself and my mind/ heart/ body) that I would be able to go through leaving him at this time with nothing to occupy my time, thoughts, and mind. To "replace" him if you will. I need to switch one drug for another in a sense. I need something new to fixate and devote myself to and in the past- that has been other men. Going right into another relationship will be the worst thing for me because I will be looking for the type of man to fixate on- and that is a habit that I am trying to break.
I do not want to repeat that cycle. I want to break free. Spend some time with myself and get back to ME.
I know what you may be thinking. Something like this, I imagine-
You CAN do it, you will be fine.
You need to devote yourself to GOD and you will be fine.
You can focus on GOD and or family and you will be fine.
You need to love yourself not another person/ thing/ animal, you will be fine.
You are stronger than you think, you will be fine.
You do not need something to fixate on, you will be fine.

But I know me, I know myself well enough to know that I really strongly from the center of my core, need to make this step. I have too much love to give and have not been able to do anything substantial (give or be able to receive) with that love for another non family member in a LONG time. It would be healing for me, therapeutic, strengthening, enlightening, everything to me. It would mean everything. I am getting ready to embark on a new life, new job, new car, new opportunities all around. I have so much to prove, to myself- and to others and I want to put all of my focus into proving to others that I am strong, I can do it, I am more than capable and since I will have no other distractions- I am positive I will succeed with flying colors given the chance.
I want to make the trade.