Holly mother Fing Dodson.....Nichols

I recently had the pleasure of shooting the wedding of one of the most important people in my life. Holly Dodson. People ask how I knew her, who she is to me- etc... She was an ex's cousin and the first time I met her she rode her bike over to our apartment to burn a CD. Yea, old school. She was in High School and we were older so I judged and thought she looked hood with her stomach hanging out and her bleach blonde hair and holey jeans. She was one of those 'cool kids' who I never meshed much with in my High School days. We saw eachother at family functions and dinners and the next Christmas we got her maternity clothes and she was so mad. When we heard that she was pregnant- I thought nothing of it and I really don't know how or why we got closer and closer but on May 18th I took a "sick day" at work and stayed the whole day with her in the hospital when the love of my life, my Goddaughter Haylee was born. I stayed in the room from the minute after she came back in from her C section until late that night. I was present during nurse visits and checks. She wanted me there and I felt an immediate bond with her that we did not have before that day. When they brought Haylee into her room, she was still shaking so much from her epidural that she asked me to change her first diaper. I did that. I changed Haylee Faith Dodson's first diaper. And it was the first of MANY Haylee diapers that I would change. We had a bond the three of us, and so it was.
The reasons are neither here nor there but it was what it was and Haylee spent a great deal of her first three years with me. I taught her how to spell her name, her manners and when her birthday was and I watched her learn and grow. My family looked at her no different than our own. She was my biggest joy and I never once looked at my extended periods of time with her as anything more than my greatest blessing. She came at a time when I was grieving the loss of someone that left the exact shape hole that she fit into perfectly. She was my baby. I know at times I felt like I had more claim to her than I should have but she never was a burden- not for a single second. She was my responsibility. God gave her to me to love, to teach, to have and to hold- until the time came when her stars aligned once again and she would return to a routine with the ones who let me borrow her for a while.

I have seen Holly transform over the past three years in a way that I can not easily explain. I have seen and heard things that will never be spoken of again that makes Holly's current life a true miracle. I have never been more sure of God's promise of forgiveness and healing and renewal than when I look at Holly and Haylee. Brandon came into thier lives and I do not know nor need to know the details of how but he changed everything. He is the most amazing man and I am so very overjoyed that he chose to love these two amazing ladies. He loves Haylee as his own and he is so patient and kind. During my engagement session with Holly and Brandon I could tell immediately how much he loved her. He was crazy about her, could not keep his hands off of her and whatever made her happy- he would do without hesitation. He was chatting with me about the wedding details more than Holly was and you could tell that he was just beyond excited!

During the post ceremony shots Brandon was so patient and said, "Whatever my baby wants" when posed for another hundred photos. When I posed Holly with Haylee for Mother/ Daughter shots he said, "There are my girls!" It was the sweetest! Before the wedding us ladies were polling eachother on wether or not Brandon would cry or not. We ALL said yes, he would. He is the sentimental and emotionally intuned man who is the perfect match for the emotionally in need person that Holly's past has made her. She is more happy than I have seen her since I have ever known her and I love Brandon for it. His family is so kind and loving and loves Holly and Haylee with all of their hearts.

With each photo I pull up and put on the big screen I look over ever detail and I remember ever minute of that night. I remember Donna crying as Alan danced with his middle daughter on the dance floor then closed his weapy eyes, gently kissed her hand as he gave her to her husband. They bring me such joy to see the sheer happiness on her face and I can almost hear Haylee squealing as Brandon twirled her around on the dance floor. I can barely drive home fast enough to get my hands on these photos. I do nothing much else the last week or so. Work 8-5 at the office and come home and edit until 10/11pm... Many more jewels to come! Many more years of love and happiness to come for the great couple as well. <3

I love you with all of my heart Holly Dodson Nichols and I will continue to be there for you for always and forever. And of course- Haylee Faith, all my love, all my life....I love you to the moon and back.

Office working is hard.

I have come across the realization today while taking one of 1000 pee breaks (I have issues of all shapes and sizes) that people are inhumane, indecent, and just plain.....rude. But that does not stop the rest of us- decent people from having to constantly pick up their slack.
Cleaning up a mess in the restroom after you make it is not hard- time consuming maybe but so will it be for the person that cleans it up when YOU fail to do so. Being on time is not hard- thousands of millions of people do it on the daily and yet we have to cover for you without a second though to your snooze #1, #2 and #3. Saying 'Hello' or 'Thank you' to someone who is checking out your items at a store or GOD FORBID when someone holds the door/ elevator for you is not hard- it should however be on the list of "Basic Manners' that your parents taught you when you were young.

Which brings me to my next point-

Is the current state of our society today having an effect on the way that the human population as it is today? I am guessing that is an asinine question and you (the decent ones) are yelling at your screen- "Of course it is you ninny!" Absent parents and broken homes leave children to be 'taught' by the TV and internet. With the TV shows on during primetime hours now and days and the unlimited about of filth on the internet readily available anytime day or night- how are these kids supposed to learn how to become decent respectable adults? But how do we stop it? Since clearly SHOWING others by executing our perfect manners and people pleasing ways (taught by the parents that were present in our homes, the religious leaders that we had to guide us through childhood, or the guardians we were blessed with by chance) is not enough to exemplify the ways of the decent human to others, what can be done to teach the unruly the fault of their ways? Is that 'not our place to do so'? Is it 'none of our business'? I have been told all of the above- that I have no control over anyone but myself which I agree with to an extent, however if one person does not show another who has no one else to show them then how will they ever learn it? If 100 people say (about one out of control "friend") that is it not their place to advise her of her rude and inappropriate behaviors- then who is going to? And if NO one does, than how will they correct said behaviors and if the indecent persons do not correct the behaviors that effect the decent people in the most direct ways daily- then the cycle will never end!
Mind blown.

I know what I plan hope to teach my children and that will be the same values and decency that was taught to me by my parents. Be courteous, be polite, be soft and kind, be humble, be compassionate, be organized and responsible, be loyal, be loving, be strong. Sure I hated them and rebelled against them and their damned 'ways'.... but I am sure as HELL grateful today that I treat other people with respect. That I am a decent person and that I can do for myself what I could easily ask others to do for me. I see it all around me every day and it makes me SICK then just makes me sad. Because those people didn't have someone to teach them, and they will undoubtedly pass their habits/ ways along to their children and it will continue to be a never ending cycle in the war of decency and humanity.

Savanna J Hartman

Yesterday we spent time with family to celebrate the 'going away' to college for my 18 yr old cousin Savanna.
Ever since the day she was born, I was 11, she was my baby. I was a baby hog, I always wanted her. I wanted to hold her and watch her and boss her and take care of her. She was my baby. Then she grew up and became one of my very best friends. The 11 year age difference mine as well have been 11 days. We are thick as thieves. We spend hours together driving, talking, laughing- always laughing....we have so many little inside jokes and memories, I will miss her very much.
She has grown into a positively stunning young woman and she will undoubtedly excel in all that she does at ODU. She has this light about her that you can not help but be drawn to- she is a shining star. I know that it will be rough for her to leave home, her parents and her family as we are all very close always together if not daily then second to that as much as possible. I shared this quote with her and I think that it suits this situation for her and our family.. perfectly.

"‎A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart."

How our family is, has created a huge desire in my life to have a big family of my own. Growing up always having someone there to cheer you on, and help you out and just be with -molded me in to having a huge heart for my family and that is something that I pray I can give to my children.
While we will miss Savanna greatly, she will never be far from us- because she is always in our hearts.

Ready to begin again...

For all things there is a season...

It is my season to shine. 

It has been so long since I have written and after many of my supporters through the last few weeks have asked why I don't try writing out my feelings and thoughts- I thought I'd give it a try. 
I find myself, alone. Free, but happy. Busy, but scatterbrained. Worn thin, but growing hard. I never thought that I would be in this place. After the last 4 years of horrible days and worse nights- I am finally free and taking full advantage. I have finally said the words out loud... "I have been holding on for far too long. I have been holding on for something that I have fought for, and pushed for, and given everything for- and I have nothing left. Less than nothing. And I need to accept that it is time to let go." Now comes the hard part- actually doing it. 

I have thrown myself into my art, and have loved surrounding myself with the absolutely wonderful people that I have met. It hardly seems like "work" when you get to spend a few hours with a bubbly little person and their parents and just capture every laugh, every wrinkle of their nose, every raise of their eyebrow. To get to save forever the look on a fathers face while looking down at their child or wife is healing for my own soul. They are saving me. To hear the feedback and to see the tears when seeing my art with them as my subject- is worth a million bucks and I will never take that for granted. I sit at my chair and listen to music and edit the photos that will bring my 'clients' (or friends as they always become) such joy and I can remember the smell of the fresh cut grass or hear the train in the background- I can always remember the exact moment a single photo is shot. I announced about two months ago that I was taking a year off to take classes and to restock my equipment for the upcoming year's photo sessions. I will tell you one thing- I have never been so busy as I have in these last two months with photo sessions, and I LOVE IT! However, at the wedding that I shot over the weekend I think that my camera was dropped and has since been not working properly. I truly believe with all of my heart that this is the Lord telling me to slow down. My day job is about to pickup and I am currently 3 photo sessions behind in my editing. I had to put my computer in the shop as it had contracted a virus and editing was simply not functioning and the day to day stress factors were raining down on me. When I realized that my camera was broken I had not one moment's pause from knowing that this was my CLEAR sign to slow down. Now I have no choice. I am going to catch up on my editing which could take months as I have put family photos behind client photos... and when that is done- I am going to focus on fixing up my house/ and yard. 

Cleaning and restoring things makes me happy. I truly think that in my wound up mind- being able to control how clean and how nice I make something is calming for me. When I live in a world and life that I can not control, I can always control how clean my house is. I have gone through many things and done many things that make me the way that I am today and no one will ever know or understand them. As long as I remember I have depended on relationships to become my main focus so that I do not have to focus on myself and I am changing that and seeking outside help to work on myself for once. I have to heal my wounds before I can find the person that matches my edges. I have embarked on a hard and gargantuan challenge that I have ever taken on. The hurdles will be demanding and intense but for me to be able to move forward and have a pleasing future- I need to work on someone and something that I have neglected in the biggest and baddest way for the past 6+ years and that is ME. I can not fix anyone else. I can not teach everyone that I feel needs it- life lessons. I can not make something what it is not. The one thing that I can do..... is love me. Save me. Fix me. Teach me. And I am ready to do that. I am ready to begin again.